Oh, joy, a new year…

Well, there it is.

scale_010407_longview.jpgThere’s the truth of the matter.

Two hundred and ten whopping, flopping, sopping pounds.

Not a bad weight if you’re a 6’9″ Amazonian, or a 6’1″ quarter back for a professional football team. But for a 5’6″ white girl in her mid-thirties?

It’s hell. Pure, horrid, stinkified HELL.

I’m at my highest weight EVER.

(Not counting the number that climbed and climbed during the nine months of my pregnancy. Now THAT was a whopper! But it was for two human beings, so I didn’t feel too, too bad about it.)

And now I’ve got a brand new year to face head-on.

A brand new year to feel the hope and possibility, pain and frustration, angst and impossibility of doing whatever I can to get that number down, down, down.

scale_010407_closeup.jpgBack below 200, where it belongs.

Below 180, where I feel pretty fit and decently happy.

Below 170, where I haven’t been in ten years.

Dare I say, somewhere in the 150s? 

No. I dare not. Not yet. It simply hurts too much to think about that kind of distance.

The calorie counting has begun. The re-commitment to a regular exercise regimen is in place. The mounting panic of any situation where there’s food not prepared by me is in full swing. My Weight Watchers weigh-in is imminent. That’s happening next Monday. I dread it. I loathe it. I want to spit on what I interpret as their falsely-empathetic faces.

They see numbers like mine all the time. I’m convinced they don’t remember how much it hurts, and how hard it is to force these numbers down to where they belong. I assume they assume anyone who’s not losing steadily is lying – going home and gorging on chips and fried chicken and heaps of macaroni and cheese, candy bars and donuts and rows and rows of store-bought cookies.

I don’t do this, but I DO eat too much. I can’t help it. I’m hungry all the time.

So my challenge is to learn how to deal with the constant, gnawing, insatiable hunger.

My challenge is to learn how to stop eating after I’ve consumed all my dang points, even though I want to scream and rip someone’s hair out because it’s only 4pm, and I NEED something to hold my over until I go to bed at 11:30.

Oh, joy, a new freakin’ year.

3 Responses to “Oh, joy, a new year…”

  1. Salma Gundi says:

    I am not sure if you would like empathy or are enjoying your anger right now … just wanted to say that I am confident the number you saw on your scale is the highest you’ll ever see again, and that vegetables can do alot in filling up blackholes of hunger.

    Good luck to you.

  2. Salma — thanks for your comment, and CONGRATS on your recent weight loss! I know Jessica Biel would be proud. Do you mention anywhere on your blog how much you lost? Over what kind of timeframe? It looks like you’re cruising on a truly successful anti-flab journey. Goooo, momentum!

    -Queen of Corpulence

  3. Don says:

    Hello Q of C, I do wish you good luck with your new years weight loss plans. I can’t relate to all aspects of your years of attempts but it does sound very similar to mine. Except that Mondays thing. lol I’m currently at 410 lbs., 6’4″, and so far no physical break downs either. Was probably 310 10 years ago so I’m averaging a 10 lb. a year increase. Calorie counting and food diaries have been the only thing since Phen-fen that have helped me at all. I plan to join a weight loss matters group at the university I work at as any help has to be better than the help I’ve been giving myself. Just wanted to let you know there are plenty of people sharing the ride your on. Lets just hope and pray some of us get to get to get off this ride before we collapse something. 😉

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.